© 2005, 2006, 2007
IF YOU ARE IN A
CRISIS SITUATION & NEED TO SPEAK WITH SOMEONE ASAP, PLEASE CALL
YOUR TOLL FREE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE @ 1.800.799.SAFE(7233)
The
First 100 Days after Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Recognizing
and Dealing with Domestic Abuse
Abuse comes in many forms, including physical, emotional,
sexual ,verbal, and financial.
What is abuse? A warning list
- maltreatment: cruel or inhumane treatment
- mistreat: treat badly
- a rude expression intended to offend or hurt
- use foul or abusive language towards
- Abuse is a general term for the misuse of a person or thing, causing
harm to the person or thing, to the abuser, or to someone else. Abuse can
be something as simple as damaging a piece of equipment through using it
the wrong way, or as serious as severe maltreatment of a person. Abuse
may be direct and overt, or may be disguised and covert.
- Attempting to cause or causing physical harm Placing another in fear
of imminent serious physical harm (applies to threats and to situations
where the abuser has assaulted the victim but no battery has occurred.
Causing another to engage involuntarily in sexual relations by force, threat
or duress
- Treating another person with physical or mental cruelty, usually on a
regular basis and against their will.
- Improper care of another person by the legal guardian.
- pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
- threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
- threatening suicide to get you to do something
- using or threatening to use a weapon against you
- keeping or taking your paycheck
- puts you down or makes you feel bad
- forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
- keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
Myths & Facts about
Domestic Violence
Myth: Victims of domestic violence like to
be beaten.
Fact: Victims of domestic violence have historically been characterized
as masochistic women who enjoy being beaten. Evidence does not support
this anachronistic psychological theory. Rather, victims of domestic
violence desperately want the abuse to end, and engage in various survival
strategies, including calling the police or seeking help from family
members, to protect themselves and their children. (Dutton, The Dynamics
of Domestic Violence, 1994) Silence may also be a survival strategy in
some cases. Moreover, enduring a beating to keep the batterer from attacking
the children may be a coping strategy used by a victim, but does not
mean that the victim enjoys it.
Myth: Victims of domestic violence have psychological
disorders.
Fact: This characterization of battered women as mentally ill stems from
the assumption that victims of domestic violence must be sick or they
would not "take" the abuse. More recent theories demonstrate
that battered women resist abuse in a variety of ways. (Dutton, The Dynamics
of Domestic Violence, 1994) In addition, most victims of domestic violence
are not mentally ill, although individuals with mental disabilities are
certainly not immune from being abused by their spouses or intimate partners.
Some victims of domestic violence suffer psychological effects, such
as post-traumatic stress disorder or depression, as a result of being
abused. (Dutton, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Amoung Battered Women,
1994)
Myth: Low self-esteem causes victims to get
involved in abusive relationships.
Fact: Traditional theories presumed that individuals with adequate self-esteem
would not "allow" themselves to be abused by intimate partners
or spouses. In fact, studies have demonstrated that victims of domestic
violence fail to share common characteristics other than being female.
(Cahn & Meier, 1995) There is little support for the theory that
low self-esteem causes victims to become involved in abusive relationships,
however, some victims may experience a decrease in self-esteem as a result
of being abused, since perpetrators frequently degrade, humiliate, and
criticize victims.
Myth: Victims of domestic violence never leave
their abusers, or if they do, they just get involved in other abusive
relationships.
Fact: Most victims of domestic violence leave their abusers, often several
times. It may take a number of attempts to permanently separate because
abusers use violence, financial control, or threats about the children,
to compel victims to return. Additionally, a lack of support from friends,
family members, or professionals, such as court personnel, law enforcement
officers, counselors, or clergy members, may cause victims to return.
Since the risk of further violence often increases after victims separate
from their abusers, it can be even harder for victims to leave if they
cannot obtain effective legal relief. Victims who receive appropriate
legal assistance at an early stage increase their chances of obtaining
the protection and financial security they need to leave their abusers
permanently. While some victims may become involved with other partners
who later begin to abuse them, there is no evidence that the majority
of victims have this experience.
Myth: Batterers abuse their partners or spouses
because of alcohol or drug abuse.
Fact: Alcohol or substance abuse does not cause perpetrators of domestic
violence to abuse their partners, though it is frequently used as an
excuse. Substance abuse may increase the frequency or severity of violent
episodes in some cases. (Jillson & Scott, 1996) Because substance
abuse does not cause domestic violence, requiring batterers to attend
only substance abuse treatment programs will not effectively end the
violence. Such programs may be useful in conjunction with other programs,
such as batterer intervention programs.
Myth: Perpetrators of domestic violence abuse
their partners or spouses because they are under a lot of stress
or unemployed.
Fact: Stress or unemployment does not cause batterers to abuse their
partners. Since domestic violence cuts across socioeconomic lines, domestic
abuse cannot be attributed to unemployment or poverty. Similarly, advocates
note that if stress caused domestic violence, batterers would assault
their bosses or co-workers rather than their intimate partners. Domestic
violence flourishes because society condones spouse or partner abuse,
and because perpetrators learn that they can achieve what they want through
the use of force, without facing serious consequences.
Myth: Law enforcement and judicial responses,
such as arresting batterers or issuing civil protection orders, are
useless.
Fact: There is a great deal of debate about the efficacy of particular
actions by law enforcement or the judiciary. Research on the usefulness
of mandatory arrest or civil protection orders has yielded conflicting
results. (See Buzawa & Buzawa, 1996; Sherman & Berk, 1984; Zorza,
1994) Most experts agree, however, that actions by one piece of the system
are only effective when the rest of the criminal justice and civil systems
are functioning, (Zorza, 1996; Wanless, 1996) and that improved protocols
can decrease domestic violence related homicides. (telephone interview,
Ann O'Dell, 1996) Thus, law enforcement officers must make arrests, prosecutors
must prosecute domestic violence cases, and courts must enforce orders
and impose sanctions for criminal convictions. It is important for batterers
to receive the message from the community that domestic violence will
not be tolerated, and that the criminal justice and law enforcement systems
will be involved until the violence ceases.
Myth: Children are not affected when one parent
abuses the other.
Fact: Studies show that in 50-70% of cases in which a parent abuses another
parent, the children are also physically abused. (Bowker et al., 1988)
Children also suffer emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and developmental
impairments as a result of witnessing domestic violence in the home.
(Jaffe, 1990) In addition, some children (especially boys) who experience
domestic violence in their homes grow up to repeat the same behavioral
patterns. (Hotaling & Sugarman, 1986).
For example, an advocate at a shelter in North Florida reported that
one abuser threatened to come to the shelter and kill the victim and
anyone who stood in his way. The abuser revealed that he knew where
the shelter was because he stayed there as a child when his mother
ran away from his father. (Hassler, 1997).
Myth: Domestic violence is irrelevant to parental
fitness.
Fact: Because children often suffer physical and emotional harm from
living in violent homes, domestic violence is extremely relevant to parental
fitness. (ABA News Release, 1997) A history of domestic violence can
indicate that the perpetrating parent physically or emotionally abuses
the child as well as the other parent. In addition, abusers frequently
use the children as pawns to continue to control the other parent. Further,
an abuser's focus on controlling the victim undermines the abuser's ability
to parent because the primary concern is not the child. Courts should
consider the effects of the abuser's behavior on the children when determining
custody and visitation arrangements.
Some courts mistakenly penalize the victim in custody cases
by assuming that the victim is emotionally unstable because of the
violence or because the victim "let the violence happen." In
most states, however, custody statutes now recognize that domestic
violence is relevant to the abuser's parental fitness. Courts in
most states are required to consider domestic violence as a factor
in custody determinations or employ a presumption that perpetrators
should not receive custody of the children. (The Family Violence
Project of the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges,
1995)
ESCAPE
THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY
Crisis Resource
Numbers and Other Important Information:
-
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
(7233)
- National Center for Victims of Crime: 1-800-FYI-CALL
- National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
- National Organization for Victim Assistance: 1-800-TRY-NOVA(879-6682)
- The Stalking Hotline: 1-800-FYI-CALL (394-2255).
- American Counseling Association 1-800-545-2223
- The American Women Overseas Domestic Violence Fund (AOWS) 866-USWOMEN
- Safe Horizon: 1-866-689-HELP
- !New
Domestic Violence Hotline for Teens!
- National
Suicide Hotline
- Shelter
Links & USA DV Resources
- National
Domestic Violence Contact Information
- US & International
Organizations
- International
Resources
- International
Domestic Abuse Agencies
- Military
Family Resource Center
- Military
Families Effected by Violence
- Domestic
Violence & Your Mental Health (UK Residents)
- Ohio Domestic
Violence Network
- DV
Resources for Florida Residents
- National
Coalition Against Domestic Violence
ESCAPE
THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY
Q&A:
Are you being abused?
DV:
FAQ
Are
You Being Physically Abused?
Are
you being emotionally abused?
Violence
Against Women Quiz
How
Healthy Is Your Relationship
Are
You In An Unhealthy, Destructive Relationship?
Get
the Facts on Domestic Violence
What
is Secondary Wounding?
Violence Against Women:
What You Need to Know
Domestic
Violence Statistics
Early
Warning Signs
A
Woman's Handbook
How
You Can Help Someone You Know That's In An Abusive Relationship
National Organization for Victim Assistance
Your
Guide To Ending Abuse
Recognizing
Abuse
What
to Do if You're in an Abusive Relationship
Signs
of Domestic Abuse
Anger
Management vs Domestic Abuse
Safety Tips & Planning
Contact
Information for UK Residents
Protect
Your Kids Online
Helpful
Information for Abused Women
How
Abusers Stage Their Returns
Your Legalities & Divorce Concerns
ABA
Commission on Domestic Violence
National
Alliance for Family Court Justice
VINE
system for New York State Residents
State by State Legal Information
and Resources for Domestic Violence
Women
who have been abused by partners in law enforcement
Custody
Prep for Moms
Child
Custody 911
Child
Custody FAQ's
ESCAPE
THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY
State, Regional, and Federal Information
Sexual Abuse & Rape
National
Sexual Violence Resource Center
Other Domestic Violence Links
You
Are Not Crazy
Staying
in an Abusive Marriage for the Wrong Reasons
Is
my abuser willing to change?
Mental
Illness in Abusers?
Signs
of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
You're
not the cause of abuse
Power
and control
More Additional Links on DV
Letting
Go of Harmful Relationships
My Declaration
of Self-Esteem and Self Acceptance
I AM ME
In all the world there is no one exactly
like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because
I choose it…I own everything about me, my body, my feelings, my
mouth, my voice, all my actions whether they be to others or to myself…I
own my fantasies, me dreams, my hopes, my fears…I own all of my
triumphs and successes, all of my failures and mistakes…because
I own all of me. I become intimately acquainted with me…by so doing,
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts…I know there
are aspects about myself that puzzle me and other aspects I do not know…but
as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and
hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out
more about me…however I look and sound, whatever I say and do,
and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
me…if later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt
turned out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting and
keep the rest and invest something new for that which is I discard…I
can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive,
to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order
out of the world of people and things outside of me…I own me and
therefore I can engineer me…I am me and I AM OKAY.
Virginia Satir
|
|
